The names will be changed to protect the innnocent

What a crazy week!

My anticipated weekend getaway in Seattle turned into a week-long marathon of driving, meeting family, and funeral-related activities. I lost my grandmother last Saturday. It was the passing of an Era. Her life touched many, as apparent to the number of folks that came by to pay their respects.

We were sitting around enjoying crepes in Seattle when we got the call. Quick checking of airline tickets and associated travel arrangements from Seattle to Salt Lake City for two on such short notice left the bill close to a staggering 2K. Plan B: a tag-team drive to SLC with my daughter Nikole departing on Monday after her school. Nikole is going to school to be a mortician (I can’t make this shit up).

We started the 14 hour drive late in the day and drove non-stop through the night with only two pee breaks. This meant we actually made it in 13:45! All this for less than two days in Salt Lake City.

The math comes out this way: 1700 miles, 80 hours total (of which 28 hours are spent in the car… with Nikole).

A black and white photo of a woman grasping her head with both hands and screaming

Once in Salt Lake City, we spent the majority of the time visiting with family and attending the funeral. Nikole and I got to spend some time with Linzy, my other daughter. Enuff said.

No sooner did we get there before we found ourselves heading back to Seattle. This time, we left mid-day and I found myself distastefully traveling through Idaho.. again.

Let me tell you, Idaho sucks. I took a poll of family members at the funeral and they all agreed, Idaho is the toilet of the universe! At least when we came down from Seattle, it was dark. Did I mention how much I dislike Idaho? Name one good thing that comes out of there?  Okay wait… nevermind.

Needless to say, I gritted my teeth passing through.. of all the awful places, bad memories… the people that are best forgotten, and the place on the road where I decapitated that animal with my motorcycle mirror. To tell you the truth, if I wasn’t pushed for time, I probably would have driven around Idaho. So here I find myself crossing this place where smart people shouldn’t live, when I checked the GPS on my iPhone to see exactly where we were. This is what I got:

Screenshot of Google Maps with a message of "loading" and a location dot on a blank map

I allowed it to load and load and load and load. I had great connectivity. I’m wondering what the hell? Why won’t this work? And then I look out the window and this is what I see:
Vast empty expanse, just sky and land, nothing else in sight.Don’t you think it matches? I mean, if you wanted a picture of, “Where the hell am I?” wouldn’t this be it? Welcome to Idaho.

Then Nikole informs me that we have a dinner date in Twin Falls. ^&*(%@!
I reason with my inner voice and conclude that Nikole is driving; I can drink.

Hours and hours later, somewhere in Washington, I ask Nikole how much further we have to go. She responds by holding up two fingers in a pinch motion… “this far – according to the GPS.”  Pretty damn helpful.

We roll in to Nikole’s apartment in Seattle and we both climb into bed. I was planning on catching a plane via standby back to Alaska, but decided a couple of hours sleep might be needed first. Nikole got up an hour later and headed out for class. Poor kid. I snuggled into bed.

So apparently, in the world of miscommunication via texting and IM, Nikole’s boyfriend and one of her girlfriends didn’t get the memo that I was still in town. They had a key to her apartment. They thought I was her sleeping in the bed when they crept in early in the morning.

They thought they would come over early and drag her ass to breakfast.
Nikole’s boyfriend, otherwise known as “don’t blog about this unless your going to change my name to ‘Diego’ or something unrecognizable” – thought I was his girlfriend that he had been missing for days.

I’ll let you imagine how that turned out. Once again… I can’t make this shit up.

"Don't strangle my dog"
Would you like some cleavage with your cappuccino?
About Maya

My name is Maya, and I wander.


  1. Wow. Did the boyfriend make it out alive? LOL

  2. Anonymous says:

    I don't know how I got to this blog, but I'm SO glad I did! You are HILARIOUS and it felt great to laugh. I don't laugh. THANK YOU! –Connie

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