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“Don’t strangle my dog”

These are the words Kim told me yesterday morning. Now many of you are wondering, “why would someone have to tell me that?” I can assure you, I would never strangle her dog (or anyone else’s), intentionally. You see that is the key word, intentionally. The other key word is “again.”
Yes, I tried to strangle Kim’s dog once before.

Ursa Minor, Ursa for short, is a handful. She is cute like most dogs are, but she also has this irritating way of getting on my nerves. Sometimes I think about strangling her. I’m sure some of you have had similar thoughts of strangling another person’s pet? Come on now, lets be honest. What I suppose makes this story different, is how close I actually came to following through. And the most horrific part was that I couldn’t stop laughing about it.

It all started out with a harmless barbecue outside; food, beer, friends – all good. Ursa wears a body harness and a collar, and when Kim walks her she attaches her leash to the body harness (this is important to understand, so that you don’t get offended). To keep Ursa from enjoying the barbecue too much (translates to: eats everyone’s food when they are not looking), she tied her leash to the garage door handle.

Now, stop for just a moment and think about how garage doors work. Then imagine a dog’s leash attached to the handle. Guess who pushed the garage door opener, accidentally?

Now in all fairness, I didn’t know the dog was tied to the garage door. I truly wouldn’t have given the critter an amusement park ride, or stunned the BBQ guests in such a manner…

Truthfully, the dog’s reaction was not fear or freaking out, it was one of confusion. She couldn’t understand why she was being lifted into the air with no humans nearby to be the cause. The door started going up and the dog was gently lifted into the air, like one of those pet rescue scenarios, fully secured by harness, all legs facing down. Stunned look on pup’s face. No fear.

Kim on the other hand, that was a different story. Come to think if it, same with the guests.

You know that moment when delayed reaction occurs? When your mind is trying to make sense of the information your eyes are giving it? The moment between understanding and action? This is the time that you usually say, “What the Fuck?”

So, in this moment of human WTF, someone hollers, “THE DOG!” Because you see, I still don’t know the dog is tied to the door. So I look and see the most amusing, horrific, unreal image; people running to support the dog’s weight, and the dog with the WTF look. I hit stop on the garage door.

Dog is down. And she was fine, she actually scored a bratwurst from the grill (mostly from guilt).
Kim was fine too. Although she did tie the dog to the garage handle again today – she is too trusting.

I still can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. The guests at the party never returned.

A happy black mutt standing while leashed

Ursa Minor. WTF (tied to the garage handle… again)

Looking for fall
The names will be changed to protect the innnocent
About Maya

My name is Maya, and I wander.

Comments

  1. I once made a safety video about human harnesses. They allow people to dangle safely if they fall off a load of steel/aluminum/etc. they might be packing up in a factory. I can understand how the dog might be safe in your story, even if the harness was not designed to support them like that.

    I'm guessing you had an attack of stress-induced laughter. Bad timing, but sort of understandable.

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